


purpose

by Impatiens_capensis



Category: Hatoful Kareshi | Hatoful Boyfriend
Genre: Angst, Codependency, Depression, Gen, Hitori is a sick bastard, Implied Homicidal Thoughts, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, Unhealthy Relationships, apparently not canon compliant because they canonically knew each other for eight days or less
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-10
Updated: 2019-07-10
Packaged: 2020-06-25 15:02:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,415
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19748143
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Impatiens_capensis/pseuds/Impatiens_capensis
Summary: When things were more stable, he’d tell Kazuaki about Nageki and they could grant his brother’s final wish together. Surely, that was the purpose that they had met each other for.Character exploration of Hitori, filling in some gaps on why his relationship with Kazuaki could've happened the way it did and how his idea of Nageki became so distorted





	purpose

Kazuaki was able to finish his essay. Sure, he’d cried a lot. “Why are you torturing me like this?,” he said. “I’m not smart enough for school, not like you, _Professor Uzune_ ,” he said. But the paper he had written showed Kazuaki really had a mind for literature, more so than Hitori had never had. Kazuaki sewed together each metaphor and strange passage with intuition and finesse, making apparent the handiwork that had always been present in each panel of narrative tapestry. All Hitori did was convince him to do it.

Kazuaki cooed happily and leaned his head into Hitori’s shoulder. “Thank you, Hitori, really. You’re much too kind and patient with me. I don’t deserve it.”

“Nonsense,” Hitori said. “You deserve so much more than I can give you.” The warmth of another body against him was nice. Kazuaki’s presence was so nice. Hitori untucked his wing from beneath Kazuaki and wrapped it around him instead. The first time Kazuaki had cuddled himself against Hitori, Hitori had stiffened with surprise. Now he relished in the touch. It was proof that he was alive and meant something. He could make Kazuaki’s life better, therefore he had a reason to exist. And when things were more stable, he’d tell Kazuaki about Nageki and they could grant his brother’s final wish together. Surely, that was the purpose that they had met each other for.

As his thoughts wandered, Hitori began falling asleep for the third time this afternoon.

Kazuaki hummed contentedly and, for the first time since they’d known each other (and possibly the first time in Kazuaki’s life), he said that phrase, “I love you.”

Hitori felt a jolt of fear in his chest. _Why?_ , he thought. Before he could form an appropriate response, he was overcome by sleep.

* * *

One night the next week, the two birds ate dinner together and watched a movie that Hitori had rented. Hitori watched Kazuaki more than he watched the movie, trying to make sure he was eating alright. While the heroine saved everyone and it became clear she’d been the legendary hero all along, Kazuaki said it again. “I love you.”

“I love you, too,” Hitori lied. Or maybe not, but he wasn’t confident it was the truth. And then, more honestly, he added: “I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

Kazuaki smiled faintly. Maybe it was just the intimacy of the moment, but he looked alluring in the faint light of the television. Hitori didn’t dare make a move.

* * *

A few more weeks pass. Kazuaki starts skipping class again. Hitori called to check in and Kazuaki insisted that he’s _fine_. That Hitori doesn’t need to worry. Hitori showed up at Kazuaki’s door as soon as he was done lecturing. He had to. It wasn’t a choice.

Hitori knocked.

No response.

He knocked again.

No response.

He was about to knock for the third time when the door opened. Kazuaki looked like a wreck. His feathers were ruffled every which way, uncomfortably sticking out against the flow of his plumage in places. There was a bit of food stuck to his chest. His eyes didn’t meet Hitori’s.

“...I told you not to come,” he muttered.

“I couldn’t help but worry about you. I’m overprotective like that.” Hitori laughed darkly.

“You shouldn’t have to see me like this. I’m disgusting. I should die. I—I want to die.”

“I know how that feels.”

Kazuaki stepped aside and let Hitori in. They sat down next to each other. They spent a while like that, just sitting in silence.

Kazuaki had never been truly okay, but Hitori didn’t know why it was so bad now. Something had probably happened, he figured, but he had no idea what that could’ve been.

Kazuaki was leaned against Hitori. That was becoming habitual. Hitori could feel as the other quail’s breaths became unsteady. He looked over as Kazuaki started sobbing in earnest, but didn’t know what to say. He couldn’t know what to say. He didn’t know what was going on. Well, he could ask, that would be the right thing to do. The thing he would’ve done without thinking at one point.

“What’s wrong?”

Kazuaki caught his breath enough to speak. “I’m—I’m just a miserably useless person. I shouldn’t have been born.”

“That’s not true. What happened? I mean, what has you feeling like this?” Hitori wanted to be sympathetic, but he didn’t get it. He didn’t understand how the Kazuaki who had been getting so much better could suddenly feel this way. He hoped he at least sounded invested.

Kazuaki welled up with another round of tears. He spent a good minute crying into Hitori’s chest before responding. “I saw someone. She uh. She didn’t say anything. I just. I remembered. Something said previously. She said I was a layabout who didn’t think he should have to work for anything. She told me to stop mooching off her. We haven’t talked since then and I’d managed to avoid her for a while now.”

_Making you both a layabout and a coward_ , Hitori thought, before dismissing the notion. He knew how hard Kazuaki tried, he knew better than to think of him so cruelly. “That sounds like it was hard.” Hitori stroked Kazuaki’s shoulder.

“I’m sorry for being a layabout and a mooch. Please don’t leave me,” Kazuaki muttered into his own chest.

_But you just said that you’re the one avoiding her._ “Don’t worry about it, I’m not going to leave you.”

* * *

In spite of so often sleeping during the day, it was hard for Hitori to fall asleep at night when he wanted to. He stared into the darkness.

He was stupid. He knew was so, so stupid. Kazuaki was a mess, he’d never be stable and competent enough to infiltrate a school. That was Hitori’s burden to bear, anyway, not something anyone else should be dragged into. In this moment, it was abundantly clear that the trajectories of their lives were completely incompatible. Hitori didn’t know why he’d deluded himself into thinking that they could have a life together.

And Nageki. Every moment he wasted playing house with Kazuaki was a moment longer that Nageki was trapped in that awful place that had stolen him away. It was Hitori’s fault that he died there and he hadn’t even had the decency to have saved him by now. Nageki needed him.

Nageki had always needed him. He’d been weak and sick for as long as they’d been brothers. He hadn’t been able to work even go to school, something Kazuaki could still manage most of the time. If Hitori had resigned to drowning just from keeping Kazuaki above the water, keeping Nageki afloat seemed like it should have been impossible.

Nageki’s voice came to his brother from somewhere in the darkness. “You would have given up on the last of your family?”

_Maybe not_ , Hitori thought, _I didn’t feel like I do now back then._ He felt a sense of wrongness as he surveyed the room for where Nageki was.

“You were always weak. That’s why you sent me away. You made me someone else’s problem.”

Hitori’s gaze landed on a teal ring in the distance. He could sense that Nageki’s beady eye was cutting through his feathers and skin to see his heart. _I betrayed you. I was wretched._

“You’ve become a wretched person.”

_What can I do, now?_

“The only thing you need to care about is getting me back. You owe that to me.”

_Right._ _I_ _made a promise when—_ Suddenly, it clicked. What felt wrong was the impossibility of the situation. Nageki was dead.

Hitori lurched upward. Nageki was gone and Hitori felt like he’d been woken from a dream, but he wasn’t sure that he’d even fallen asleep. Still, he remembered what Nageki had said. He’d been right.

Hitori would have to infiltrate the school if he wanted to get to Nageki. He didn’t know how he’d do that, but he would do it. He had to. He owed it to Nageki.

* * *

Hitori cuddled against Kazuaki again, even knowing it was betrayal.

“I want to die. I don’t get the point of living, with everything going wrong and always feeling so miserable,” said Kazuaki.

A dark and heavy thought landed on Hitori. His heart sank in the silence. He knew what he had to do. “I’m also tired of this world. I hate living more and more with every passing day.” And that much was true.

**Author's Note:**

> I kept referring to this as "quail angst" while I was writing it and I think that gave people the wrong impression of how miserable it is. It was rough to write, honestly. 
> 
> Anyway! I appreciate and reply to every comment I get! So I would enjoy if you'd comment if you... uh... "enjoyed" isn't the right word... if you thought this was good! (If you feel like it, anyway)


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